Can You Hear Them Now?

Posted: February 17, 2014 in Change, Relationship Building
Tags: , , , , , ,

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People know when you’re not listening.

That’s it. That’s today’s important lesson. Trust me, it’s far more significant than it seems.

To understand why it is so significant we start with basic human condition of needing to feel valued. This need doesn’t go away just because you are at work. In fact feeling valued is one of the few things that can turn work into something more than just work. How sweet is that? Pretty sweet.

There are people who have thought about this a lot, whether personal or work related. Check these examples out. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-knowledge/201206/relational-value and http://blogs.hbr.org/2011/06/the-only-thing-that-really-mat/)

You can provide feelings of value in many ways, like through recognition or appreciation, and that’s important to do.

But you can destroy all that value building by doing one little thing: by not listening.

Let’s try an empathy exercise here. Let’s go back and reflect on our own personal and professional lives and even our childhoods and think about how you felt when you thought someone ignored you, cut you off, gave you a canned response, poo-pooed you, brushed your concerns away or was clearly distracted. I’m going to guess you didn’t like it. You felt you weren’t being taken seriously. You felt you were being dismissed or belittled.

Now, should we be tougher and have thicker skin and be more Zen about these things? Sure. Are we always able to do that? No. And just because I think you can handle being dismissed doesn’t mean I should do it.

That’s why listening is so important. Because it’s powerful. Because it’s personal. Because it’s subtle.

Especially because it is subtle. It’s the art of communication. It’s why companies spend billions of dollars a year crafting their messages to consumers. You have to work at it.

The art and science of listening is then to gain information and understanding while not sparking negative reactions.

The good thing is listening skills can be learned. There’s a whole school of thought around the idea of active listening. There are books and training and gurus aplenty. Lots of good resources out there like this http://www.studygs.net/listening.htm. These resources provide you with the science but remember that there is an art part.

You have to avoid the pitfalls of applying these listening tools mechanically, though. You have to make your listening is genuine or at least project the feeling that you are trying to be genuine.

The mechanical application ends up in a scenario where someone is sitting across from you and waits for you to finish and says “I hear what you’re saying” or “Let me repeat what I think you said.”

What the hell? is what I think. Are you a robot? Did you just read that off the Quick Tips sheet from the Active Listening class you just went to? You seem intelligent. But you just listened to what I had to say and the most personal and thought out thing you can say is “here’s what I think you just said.”

OK, so that what is a little harsh. But the point is don’t be a robot.  Because I’m not a robot. Just prove to me that you were listening.  Treat me as individual and behave like you’re having a unique interaction. Because that’s what I feel it is.

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Comments
  1. I use some version of “let me repeat what I think you just said” all the time, and I am usually glad I did because many people, extroverts especially (e.g. those with the initials BD) are still working out their thoughts as they are speaking.

    • joegergen says:

      Thanks Sarah. I totally agree you need to find clarity or at least a common understanding. I’m sure I have failed to do that more than once to my own detriment.

      It’s probably just the artificial manner in which I have seen it done that bothers me. I’m so sensitive, ya know.

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